Dinner.

The first dinner I've made (outside of soup) since...I think mid-August. Exciting. It was good. And it was entirely made possible by my mother who came over last night and helped me do my dishes and clean my apartment - it was her way of supporting me as I go back to school. She's amazing.

My Barnes and Noble purchases...

Check out what I got this weekend...

I found these tiny notebooks at Barnes and Noble. To get an idea of their size, stick out your hand look at your palm...it can fit in your hand. No kidding. They are 2 1/2" by 4". I plan on using them to help me not forget things.

And I found this magazine...which rocks. I had never read it before, but such a good by I'm considering getting a subscription...however, it only comes out quarterly. Hmmm....

I don't do much farming, but I do like things that are green. :) It seemed like a good change in pace from our normal everday magazines. And thus far it is!

A good night sleep.

I found a good one. I had my appointment Friday we talked for an hour, he proved he was actually smart enough for me to give him my blessing. I'm now actually excited to take medications. Change is finally coming. :)

Let me know if you need the name of an awesome psychiatrist in the Kansas City area.

And since people often have a hard time with the difference between these terms...
psychiatrist - real medical doctor can prescribe meds, typically will just manage medications, but have training in therapy techniques
psychologist - can not prescribe meds have a PhD, can do psychological testing (e.g. IQ), have training in therapy techniques
therapist/counselor - they are both the same term, can not prescribe meds, they do therapy, have at least a Masters degree, typically either in Social Work, Counseling, or Marriage and Family Therapy.

So last night one of the pills he gave me made me sleep oh so well...the best part was it wasn't really a sleeping pill it was more for anxiety...so it was the best of both worlds. So good. I can't wait until I go to sleep again tonight.

In other news, I think my tree that I had outside for the summer and recently brought in may be in a bit of shock...it's possible I left it out in the cold a bit too long. (It's dropping A LOT of leaves).

My new Chucks!

It's that time of year...for the flip flops to retire. In honor of this time (and in order to actually make it happen), I got a new pair of chucks! So exciting.



You can also see my purchase from last weekend too in this picture...my new 1969 sexy bootcut jeans from the gap. Who knew sexy bootcut jeans could be pair with sneakers?

A happy post about life.

Here's why I haven't posted much recently:
There's not been many fun lighthearted delightful things to post about going on in my life and I've been hesitant to post any non-positive post.

One, I don't want to spread negativity around the world - I desperately don't want to do this, I think there is enough of this already that spreads like wildfire and we don't need any more in the things we read.

Two, I know by posting my thoughts and feelings on the world right now will put a misperception of my world out there (that it's all thunder clouds and there are no rainbows). When in reality there are many wonderful things happening in my life. In fact right now I feel like I am able to see all the amazing things happening in the world and my life better then I have in years because of difficult place I'm in. Recently I came up with this analogy to describe this phenomenon...it's as if all the wonderful and amazing things in the world are flashlights (that are on) and that there are many of them around, people carrying them, them sitting around, etc. Imagine a picture in which the amount of light (sunlight, light bulbs) you had was congruent to how things are going in your world (more light the better things are going). If your world is dark you can notice the flashlights so much more. That's kind of how my world is currently.

So it's like this, all the systems (work, school, church) and all the people are incredible in my life right now...I mean seriously, thinking about how much God must love me to give me so much leaves me speechless. And it's not just the normal oh my friends are nice or my co-workers are being kind to me today - it's something I can't even describe...I truly don't have words to describe the magnitude of grace and love. Ah, yes, grace this is also something that I have learned much more about recently as an unreal amount has been extended to me by God, friends, and especially my co-workers, boss, and clients. Yeah, my clients. They are tolerating me being late (not a totally new thing for them), rescheduling appointments, taking forever to get things done, only being able to access me half the time they used to, meeting with me on short notice to sign paperwork at the end of the month. My boss, well, there are so many times she could have brought down the stern fist - things that I forgot/neglected to do that I shouldn't even mention on a blog...instead she's been nothing but encouraging. The list goes on...too many to mention.

So this dark time...it's a combination of my deteriorating mental health (probably brought on by some of the following and exacerbated by lack of sleep), attempting to balance school, work, and my practicum (at work). I'm grateful that my co-workers never lied to me about how difficult going to grad school would be...(referring mostly to me doing my practicum at work and going to school). They said it would suck.

So how do feel currently? Like a steam roller has flattened my soul. Like I have no academic fuel left...so deeply desiring an end point and finding it so difficult to see one. It's been three weeks of continual deep soul wrenching activity. I just want it stop. I have a paper to work on tonight and some other fairly important things. I've been home since 6 and haven't worked on any of it, because I no motivation and the thought of reading repulses me. I feel like a four year old standing with my arms folded refusing to do my work. Which means once again I'm going to have to stay up super late to get it all done. Which contributes to one of the key problems in my life - lack of sleep. And the cycle continues.

And there's my happy post :)