Here's why I haven't posted much recently:
There's not been many fun lighthearted delightful things to post about going on in my life and I've been hesitant to post any non-positive post.
One, I don't want to spread negativity around the world - I desperately don't want to do this, I think there is enough of this already that spreads like wildfire and we don't need any more in the things we read.
Two, I know by posting my thoughts and feelings on the world right now will put a misperception of my world out there (that it's all thunder clouds and there are no rainbows). When in reality there are many wonderful things happening in my life. In fact right now I feel like I am able to see all the amazing things happening in the world and my life better then I have in years because of difficult place I'm in. Recently I came up with this analogy to describe this phenomenon...it's as if all the wonderful and amazing things in the world are flashlights (that are on) and that there are many of them around, people carrying them, them sitting around, etc. Imagine a picture in which the amount of light (sunlight, light bulbs) you had was congruent to how things are going in your world (more light the better things are going). If your world is dark you can notice the flashlights so much more. That's kind of how my world is currently.
So it's like this, all the systems (work, school, church) and all the people are incredible in my life right now...I mean seriously, thinking about how much God must love me to give me so much leaves me speechless. And it's not just the normal oh my friends are nice or my co-workers are being kind to me today - it's something I can't even describe...I truly don't have words to describe the magnitude of grace and love. Ah, yes, grace this is also something that I have learned much more about recently as an unreal amount has been extended to me by God, friends, and especially my co-workers, boss, and clients. Yeah, my clients. They are tolerating me being late (not a totally new thing for them), rescheduling appointments, taking forever to get things done, only being able to access me half the time they used to, meeting with me on short notice to sign paperwork at the end of the month. My boss, well, there are so many times she could have brought down the stern fist - things that I forgot/neglected to do that I shouldn't even mention on a blog...instead she's been nothing but encouraging. The list goes on...too many to mention.
So this dark time...it's a combination of my deteriorating mental health (probably brought on by some of the following and exacerbated by lack of sleep), attempting to balance school, work, and my practicum (at work). I'm grateful that my co-workers never lied to me about how difficult going to grad school would be...(referring mostly to me doing my practicum at work and going to school). They said it would suck.
So how do feel currently? Like a steam roller has flattened my soul. Like I have no academic fuel left...so deeply desiring an end point and finding it so difficult to see one. It's been three weeks of continual deep soul wrenching activity. I just want it stop. I have a paper to work on tonight and some other fairly important things. I've been home since 6 and haven't worked on any of it, because I no motivation and the thought of reading repulses me. I feel like a four year old standing with my arms folded refusing to do my work. Which means once again I'm going to have to stay up super late to get it all done. Which contributes to one of the key problems in my life - lack of sleep. And the cycle continues.
And there's my happy post :)