Saturday, November 6, 2010

How to Pee Outdoors

I've recently decided that I'm going to start tapping into that special place in my brain where I have learned various bits of random, but useful knowledge and share them with you.  To start, how to pee in the great outdoors.  :)

Going to the bathroom in the great outdoors is a skill I know way too much about.  However, my unnatural skill has come in handy on many occasions.  Like, when I traveled overseas and one of our "rest stops" while traveling between cities was two slabs of concrete with drains in the middle (one for men and one for women) and a wall to separate them.  Yep, it took the term public restroom to a whole other level.

Here's what you need to know for a successful bathroom break in the great outdoors:

Note: This is for women only, men you have it easy.  Also, I'm assuming you're not peeing on a concrete pad, because if that's the case all you need to do is make sure you squat really close to the ground and keep your pants at your knees (so your pants will be higher than your pee).

1. You're number one goal is to not pee on yourself.  Keep this in mind.  Always.  Otherwise, you will.

2. Location, Location, Location.  This is where paying attention in those science and math classes will pay off.  Remember your friends from physics?  Gravity and Angles?  Once you're away from others and are pretty sure no one else can see you, try to find slanted ground (hill? pile of dirt?).

3. Once you've picked out the spot, you have a decision to make.  Pants on?  Or pants off?  If you chose the latter option, remember gravity when placing your clothes to the side.  You don't want to place them "down stream."  If you decide to go with the quicker pants on option, here's where skill comes in to play.

4. The pre-squat.  This comes down to, what face, to pull your pants, etc.  There are many combinations, if you're skilled in math and the laws of physics then you can figure out what will be best for your location-of-the-moment.  Remember: your stream naturally goes forward a bit (take this into account when figuring out your pose).  If you're not, here's my recommended combo: Face down hill in your squating position and pull your pants towards your back.

5. The squat.  Leave your pants/shorts at your knees and squat as closely to the ground as possible.

6. Go.

7. The wipe.  Unless you have toilet paper with you, try not to wipe.  Just drip dry.  I know it sounds gross, but you'll thank me later.  If you go number 2, make sure you are 100% certain that the leaf you pick is not poisonous.  Seriously.  I once upon a time chose the wrong leaf to wipe.  It was horrible.  HORRIBLE.  Imagine having to explain how you got that in that area of your body to your doctor.  Just for future reference this leaf IS poisonous:

Alright, back to the main show.  Once you've figured out how to dry yourself, you're done!  Pull up your pants and go on with life!  Freedom.


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